feeling a sense of depression. don't know why.
i got way too drunk last night and bawled my eyes out...in front of people. i had to go upstairs and S went with me. i don't remember why i was crying, but i was a mess. i recall wanting to die, telling him i wanted to die. he tried to comfort me. i told him i didn't want him to leave me, i wanted him to stay. he had to go because he was someone's ride. so he left.
everyone else had fun, but i stayed in this little room and cried.
i feel pathetic. i just want S here. I want to talk to him.
maybe i should go see a shrink. but i don't have enough money for that.

i'm just depressed and angry at the world. everything sucks. i feel alone. i feel lost. i feel ugly. people are ants that consume and work and consume and work, an endless cycle of worshiping objects. we live in a fucked up world. and i don't want to be apart of this anymore. and how do i get out?
i feel weak, and i don't like feeling that way. i like feeling strong and powerful. no matter what anyone says, weakness isn't my natural state because i am female. i don't know what my natural state is, but it isn't this. this sucks. i don't feel like interacting with anyone, just sleeping. just disappearing. i am trapped.
i don't feel apart of anything important. i don't feel like i can talk to anyone and they'll understand. i feel as if i am alone in my opinions, my dreams, my battles. if i knew what would make me happy, i would do it. but i don't.

when will my life begin? when can i start rambling around the world, when can i start writing and being and living and loving? i feel as if i'm on a treadmill, going nowhere fast.