okay. i want to drop out. and drop off the grid. i don't know how and when or where, but i want to fucking live already.


i don't want to buy plastic cheap shit. i don't want to buy food that's energy-zapping and crappy for me. i no longer want to rely on companies for my clothes, my food, my fun, my education. i want to support small business, and self-determination, and self-education. i want to teach myself how to grow my own food. i want to teach myself how to make things. i want to teach myself about history, and art, and philosophy. 


i want happiness and music and love and simplicity. i hate my dad's relationship with my step-mom; she stays at home and he works. i want to work. i want equality. i hate my mom's relationship with my step-dad. they're boring. i want excitement. i don't know if i'll ever marry or anything, but i do know that any partner i have will be my equal. we will both cook. we will both clean. we will both care for any children that we may have. we will be happy, maybe not every moment of every day, but more than not.


i don't want my job to be stressful. i don't care if i'm poor; as long as i have what i need, and i love what i do, that's fine. i think we work at jobs we hate to earn more money we don't need to buy things that commercials tell us we should want. and i think it's screwed up. we are caught in a cycle--and i want to get the fuck out!


all the adults and authorities in my life have always told me i can't have fun all the time. why the hell not? because it's not good for the bottom line? what's good for business is not good for people and the way we should be living our lives. we should be exploring, and adventuring, and writing and talking and reading and creating. instead we sit at desks, sit at home, closed off from the world and each other. we buy to make ourselves better; we're told that our problems will go away if we buy X, Y, or Z. it's not good for business for people to pursue their own happiness outside products, and that's why we don't. capitalism needs consumers, and those people are us. we have been duped, and it's bloody time we wake up and start doing what we truly want. TV wont make you happy; cars wont make you happy. only superficially.


what makes me happy: being outside. the woods and the wind and the water. my dogs. fresh fruit. new books. old books. thrifting. music. sex. tripping acid. old movies. and i can't say i'm free from this cycle, at least i'm trying to change. i want people to join me. 


i want a job like being a teacher, a farmer, a writer. happiness doesn't come from things.

what we're afraid of

we're afraid of going to hell.
afraid of disappointing.
afraid of failure, but we don't know what failure is.
afraid of being lonely, afraid of the police.
God, and being strange.
poison, germs, war, steel.
sex, feeling, flesh, tears.
good literature, bad clothes.
afraid of disappearing, but not afraid of knifes.
afraid of leers, afraid of love.
God, I hate the man, she cried,
acid in her limbs and blood in her eyes.

feeling a sense of depression. don't know why.
i got way too drunk last night and bawled my eyes out...in front of people. i had to go upstairs and S went with me. i don't remember why i was crying, but i was a mess. i recall wanting to die, telling him i wanted to die. he tried to comfort me. i told him i didn't want him to leave me, i wanted him to stay. he had to go because he was someone's ride. so he left.
everyone else had fun, but i stayed in this little room and cried.
i feel pathetic. i just want S here. I want to talk to him.
maybe i should go see a shrink. but i don't have enough money for that.

i'm just depressed and angry at the world. everything sucks. i feel alone. i feel lost. i feel ugly. people are ants that consume and work and consume and work, an endless cycle of worshiping objects. we live in a fucked up world. and i don't want to be apart of this anymore. and how do i get out?
i feel weak, and i don't like feeling that way. i like feeling strong and powerful. no matter what anyone says, weakness isn't my natural state because i am female. i don't know what my natural state is, but it isn't this. this sucks. i don't feel like interacting with anyone, just sleeping. just disappearing. i am trapped.
i don't feel apart of anything important. i don't feel like i can talk to anyone and they'll understand. i feel as if i am alone in my opinions, my dreams, my battles. if i knew what would make me happy, i would do it. but i don't.

when will my life begin? when can i start rambling around the world, when can i start writing and being and living and loving? i feel as if i'm on a treadmill, going nowhere fast.