sometimes i just feel so lonely. so so alone. and i have no reason to; i have friends, i have a boyfriend, i have family. why is this so? maybe it's a fear of things to come. i'm not afraid of love, i'm afraid of not being loved, especially by him. i'm afraid one day he'll turn over in bed and say, i don't love you anymore. i don't know why this would happen; maybe because i'm ugly, or sad, or bitter, and he'll one day have enough of me. he'll get tired of my crying and leave me. it is my greatest fear to be lonely, and it is my greatest hope i will not end up with no one by my side.

the flip side of that is a fear of being with someone i don't want to be with just to be with someone. just so i'm not alone. what if i never find someone i want to share my life with? i suppose it's not that great a loss, but it would be a shame to settle for someone, or to marry someone i love and then fall out of love and watch them become less and less desirable.

i'm afraid of failure. i'm afraid of my own laziness, that one day i will wake up and be stuck in a place i don't like with a job i hate because i didn't try hard enough. i'm afraid of change yet i'm more frightened of staying the same. i want to grow and i want to change and i want to be something. i suppose only i can make that happen, but then if i try hard what if i fail?

i realize i'm vain, but it's the truth that i'm scared i will grow ugly. that i'll grow less and less attractive. is that horrible? yes. i should have my feminist card revoked. i'm scared no one will want to see me naked, much less in a form fitting dress or a low cut blouse. i don't expect to stay thin and young looking forever, but i'm 20 and i feel gross and unsexy everyday. i guess that's normal. i want to be good-looking without trying. i want the grace and poise and looks--all of it.

i apologize for the insecurity and rambling. i just had to get it out.