a perfect future

I will have a beautiful little house in a neighborhood with a strong sense of community--a community garden, block parties, the like. I'll have at least two dogs and maybe some cats, rescued from the pound.
I'll work at a job I love, one that allows me to travel as much as I want. Working for the queer community center, writing for a local newspaper, being a teacher, running my own small business. I'll have lots of friends and I'll cook delicious healthy dinners once a week for my friends. I'll have lots of time to read, to write, to make and listen to music.

Everyone will love my eccentric style and will always ask where i got what i'm wearing. During the summers, I'll travel with a troupe of performing artists. I'll write short story collections and buy food from the food co-op.
One day, I'll have a baby with a cool dude. Our wedding will be small and beautiful, in the spring. He will have a beard, and love me, and be a good man.

stuff that would make me happy:

if i had enough money/resources to move out to new york for the summer and do an internship for bust magazine

if i could find cute, flattering, affordable clothes in my size and not have to hunt them down on the internet and not be able to find them in stores

if people would just stop being hateful little boogers towards each other. like, dude, we're not in junior high anymore, why do you feel the need to judge people because of their job/income/weight/gender/race/major/clothes/religion/preferred pizza topping? get over yourself!

if also people would just do what makes them happy, and doesn't hurt anyone. if you want to run a multi-billion dollar corporation, sweet! just don't do it at the cost of people's quality of life. don't pollute streams with toxic waste or withhold health insurance benefits from your workers while you fly around in your private jet.  if you want to get married and pop out 20 kids, awesome! just don't tell everyone that's the right way, that what you did is the way to true happiness. if you want to fly to the moon, do it! if you want to be a director, do it!

if there was a less narrow definition of beauty. why is a blonde, skinny, and tan attractive? because we are told it's supposed to be. if we tune out of the corporate drivel and the marketers that deliver blows to our self esteem, we can tune into our true wants and desires. do we really want everyone to look alike? do we really want to look like everyone else? do we really want to be told what we're supposed to be attracted to? human bodies are not to be consumed like any other marketable object, but that's the way it's going.

if we just helped each other out. that doesn't make us lazy. i'm so saddened by the politicos and the people who refuse to support government programs because they help other people. some people don't have 'boot-straps' to pull themselves up by. if there's limited government help, like the school lunch program, scholarships, unemployment benefits, healthcare, then it's good. i don't advocate a so called nanny state, but i do think that it's better to pay a little more in taxes for the better of society than to hoard money while everyone suffers. that's no way to be apart of a community.

if my mom was still here. i miss her and my brother and my dogs and cats. :(

if i could just let go, and be. i want to do what i want, i want to be who i want, without any outside pressure telling me how to do things. i'll do things the way i want.

if money wasn't such a big issue. why does it even exist? we are the only ones who give it power. yet one has to have a certain amount of money to live comfortably, and even more to live how they want. i wish doing what you wanted wasn't dictated by how much money you had/ how much you got paid. if money were no object, then the really really rich would be just like everyone else and people wouldn't see what the big deal was. if there was no money, i would be able to do so much more. everyone would.

and a lot of other things.

I WANT TO SEE THE WORLD. AND MEET EVERYONE.

sometimes i just feel so lonely. so so alone. and i have no reason to; i have friends, i have a boyfriend, i have family. why is this so? maybe it's a fear of things to come. i'm not afraid of love, i'm afraid of not being loved, especially by him. i'm afraid one day he'll turn over in bed and say, i don't love you anymore. i don't know why this would happen; maybe because i'm ugly, or sad, or bitter, and he'll one day have enough of me. he'll get tired of my crying and leave me. it is my greatest fear to be lonely, and it is my greatest hope i will not end up with no one by my side.

the flip side of that is a fear of being with someone i don't want to be with just to be with someone. just so i'm not alone. what if i never find someone i want to share my life with? i suppose it's not that great a loss, but it would be a shame to settle for someone, or to marry someone i love and then fall out of love and watch them become less and less desirable.

i'm afraid of failure. i'm afraid of my own laziness, that one day i will wake up and be stuck in a place i don't like with a job i hate because i didn't try hard enough. i'm afraid of change yet i'm more frightened of staying the same. i want to grow and i want to change and i want to be something. i suppose only i can make that happen, but then if i try hard what if i fail?

i realize i'm vain, but it's the truth that i'm scared i will grow ugly. that i'll grow less and less attractive. is that horrible? yes. i should have my feminist card revoked. i'm scared no one will want to see me naked, much less in a form fitting dress or a low cut blouse. i don't expect to stay thin and young looking forever, but i'm 20 and i feel gross and unsexy everyday. i guess that's normal. i want to be good-looking without trying. i want the grace and poise and looks--all of it.

i apologize for the insecurity and rambling. i just had to get it out.