i don't want to be like them--my parents, and their parents, and their parent's parents. i want to be something different. my mother always says, what if, what if..i wish i hadn't done this, i wish i hadn't done that. my aunt said, don't do what i did. my cousin says, i married him because i was pregnant. my grandma, she could have had a cake shop, but gave it up for him. my nana says, they wouldn't let me be what i wanted. my father's wife stays at home all day with my brother, she cooks and sews.
what is right for me is not clear. i don't want to be desperate and alone, and have regrets running deep into my skin. i want to do what i can, do what i like. see the deepest oceans and tallest trees, hug them and swing on their branches. i want to run wild and free, i want to be who i am in the most basic of ways. i don't want to live in a house on a street named after a flower; i want to live in the trees, i want to live with the flowers. i hate desk work, i hate salons and high heels; give me a howling rock face, a swift river to make my skin alive.
this is how i want it: i want me and the sky, the grass, the trees. my loyal hounds at my side. alive alive alive.