i'm currently on vaca visiting my mom in Texas. Sunday i fly up to Cleveland to see my grandparents. i moved in a week ago but didn't have much time to unpack or anything because of my visit. whatevs. i just want to go home, and do things, and also never become like 99% of humanity.

Once upon a time there was a crooked tree and a straight tree. And they grew next to each other. And every day the straight tree would look at the crooked tree and he would say, "You're crooked. You've always been crooked and you'll continue to be crooked. But look at me! Look at me!" said the straight tree. He said, "I'm tall and I'm straight." And then one day the lumberjacks came into the forest and looked around, and the manager in charge said, "Cut all the straight trees." And that crooked tree is still there to this day, growing strong and growing strange.
--from my favorite movie, wristcutters: a love story.

i don't want to sit at a desk all day, or be tired to do the things i love. i want to continue to learn and i don't want any part of the rat race. i don't want to grow apathetic and uncaring. i want to have lots of friends. i don't want to move to the suburbs. i do want to live the life i want without people questioning my motives, or my sanity, or my prudence. why can't i do what i want.

life isn't a dress rehearsal.

this song....oh, this song.




i'm moving into my new place with my buddies on sunday, but i haven't done any packing. :( i just am lazy. and moving shit sucks. argh.

this is exactly how i feel. are we one tree, or are we two?

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”

—

St. Augustine “Love is not vain because it is frustrated, but because it is fulfilled. The people we love turn to ashes when we possess them.” — Marcel Proust  i wish i was like a deer, but i'm not delicate enough for that. i'm more like a moose. i've always wanted to be a mermaid, or a fairy, or a wood nymph. something magical and unusual. maybe if i wasn't human, i wouldn't have all these issues that come with humanity.

my dreams lately have been more vivid and frequent.

last night i dreamed i rode a magical train. i met a boy who i was shocked liked me and spoke to me. he had dark curly hair and brown eyes. my friends tried to convince me to not speak to him, but i didn't listen. in this train there were huge rooms with high ceilings and white lights. this boy sat down to eat with me, offering me some bread with butter. But i pushed it away and told him that i don't want to eat any more ever again. i remember the strong emotion of sadness. i felt away from anything i knew, and i cried into his shoulder.

i haven't felt beautiful in a long time. maybe that's a non-problem, but that's how it is. i feel inferior. i feel ugly and fat. in the dream, the boy made me feel worthwhile. he turned all his attention to me, like a slow-burning heat.

late night drunken conversation with a friend i haven't known in a while, but have started to reconnect with. we talked about how stupid people are becoming, and already are. how america has changed. our relationships and what we've done wrong. female dominance of the academic world. our time in europe. our futures, and if they include marriage and kids. god and why the world is the way it is. sex and love.

i wish i was in new zealand surfing and gardening with my commune of friends already. that's what i want to happen. maybe i'll have a kid, name her something like Corrinne or Zora. be surrounded by people i love in a big love shack. i would play the ukulele in a band and sing, and picnic on the beach and rock climb. during the day i would teach at the local high school, and at night i would rock out with my friends. it just seems that a) no one has the balls to join me and b) i don't know how i would get to this point in my life. i feel so fucking restless all the time, and no one seems to understand.

the perfect soundtrack to my life as of now

"lust for life"--girls
"when i'm with you"--best coast
"creep"--scala
"lately"--memoryhouse
"blue suede shoes"--carl perkins
"you're my guy"--vivian girls
"home"--edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros
"i can see your tracks"--laura veirs
"tightly"--neko case
"wishing well"--the shangri-las
"all i need"--the willowz
"cherry bomb"--the runaways
"maps"--the yeah yeah yeahs
"hannah"--freelance whales
"i wanna be your dog"--the stooges
"dead sound"--the ravonettes

Body positivity matters to the feminist movement. It matters because every second a woman spends obsessing about her appearance or counting calories is one less that she can devote to critical thought, political engagement or working for gender equality. It matters because women–and all people– should not have to define their self-worth based on their proximity to the white, cis, able-bodied, thin ideal. It matters because we must reject the idea that plastic surgery, makeup, trendy diets and designer clothes, rather than feminist ideals like equality and freedom of choice, are what will really empower us. It matters because loving your body means treating it right, working to make it healthy and safe and respectful of other bodies. It matters because embracing your body and sexuality can lead to a more fulfilling, safer sex life. It matters because every inch we widen the definition of beauty is an important step in the empowerment of all people-trans people, people with disabilities, people of color, men, women and others. It matters because fat is not unhealthy and we need to stop deluding ourselves that it is–the “obesity epidemic” distracts from real issues of class, race and gender. It matters because when we respect ourselves we begin to demand that others respect us as well–in our relationships, at work, in public life. It matters because body positivity creates bonds between us that foster community, creativity and empowerment.

my favorite bands as of now: best coast, the dum dum girls, memoryhouse.

things to work on towards becoming a better person:
be healthier, in eating habits, exercise, and stress levels.
be nicer towards others.
listen to people when they speak.
smile more.
have more adventures.
don't procrastinate.
just let it go.
don't speak about people behind their backs.
compliment people on their clothes, accomplishments, ect.
read more, bring up interesting things in conversation.
save money for trip to montreal, backpacking through europe, ect.
don't judge.
get more sleep.
call mom and alec more often.
send people letters.
let loose, be goofy.